ME AT A BABY SHOWER

Me and a girl walk into a baby shower.

GIRL: Oh my God! Look at all the empty baby bottles used as decoration! Isn't that adorable?

ME:[unenthusiastically] Yeah its cute.

Suddenly the baby shower couple appears to greet us.

GIRL: [unnecessarily yelling] Is that the mom-to-be I see???

MOM-TO-BE: [yells back] I'm so glad you made it girl!

GIRL: You remember Jaime, right?

MOM-TO-BE: [looks at me like she doesn't remember me] Of course I remember you!

GIRL: You look so beautiful!

ME: [looking at her abnormally large stomach] You don't even look pregnant.

MOM-TO-BE: Oh my goodness! Where are my manners? This is my boyfriend Rico.

RICO: [in mid-conversation on his bluetooth] Wassup playa.

ME: Congratulations on the baby.

MOM-TO-BE: Oh he's not the biological father. The real father died in a motorcycle accident.

ME: [awkwardly] That sucks.

MOM-TO-BE: It was unfortunate. Although we still don't know why the cops were chasing him in the first place. But I think Rico will be a great dad.

RICO: [annoyingly starts talking in a Tony Montana voice] The fellas are here! Wassup you fucking cocksuckers! Make way for the bad guy! [grabs his crotch and limps away]

ME: Yeah he seems like a good role model for children.

GIRL: Where do I put the gifts?

ME: [getting horrible Buy Buy Baby shopping flashbacks.]

MOM-TO-BE: I'll show you. Come with me.

GIRL: You gonna be OK standing here by yourself?

ME: [with pain in my eyes] I'll be fine.

2 HOURS LATER

Girl finally comes to the table I am sitting in.

GIRL: This baby shower is so much fun! I just won the "Guess the Mommy's Tummy Size game!" How are you doing?

ME: [semi-conscious] I've just been sitting here eating the food from the buffet table.

GIRL: How is it?

ME: [remembering how the food was cold and the drinks were hot] It was a one of a kind dining experience.

GIRL: Don't worry, we'll leave soon. Just a couple more hours.

Suddenly a bunch of thugs crash the party interrupting the Electric Sliders on the dancefloor.

PERSON WITH GUN: Nobody move! This is a robbery!

RICO: [back to talking in his regular voice] Oh shit. That's our rival gang.

MOM-TO-BE: Another rival gang baby shower robbery! This always happens to me!

PERSON WITH GUN: Now everyone give us your wallets, jewelry, and tickets from the coat check.

GIRL: [whispering to me] What are we going to do?

ME: [whispering back] Just stay calm. By the way, doesn't the guy next to the guy with the gun look like Esai Morales?

GIRL: Who's Esai Morales?

ME: The guy who played Lou Diamond Phillip's brother in La Bamba.

GIRL: Oh that's right! He does look like him!

PERSON WITH GUN: Ok whoever is whispering I hear you. You guys are bad whisperers. So just stop.

MOM-TO-BE: Can you people just leave us alone so we can continue my baby shower?

PERSON WITH GUN: Ok how about this? Let us take Rico and you can continue on with your baby shower.

MOM-TO-BE: But the baby needs his non-biological father here today.

RICO: Yeah the baby needs the man that fucks his mother here today.

ME: [loudly and with emphasis] Take me.

Everyone in the room quickly looks back to see the man who uttered those famous last words.

GIRL: What are hell are you doing Jaime?

ME: What I am destined to do.

As I slow motion walk up to the guy with the gun, I imagine the DJ putting on the musical score from the movie Crimson Tide to make this moment more dramatic.

PERSON WITH GUN: Who the fuck are you?

ME: I'm just a guy who hates baby showers.

PERSON WITH GUN: Ok here's the deal, if you come with us we will start by individually beating you. Then we will beat you as a group. After that we will take a lunch break and then come back and beat you with weapons. With the same order as before--individual first and then group. After that you will come with us while we run some errands.

ME: Whatever gets me out of here.

PERSON WITH GUN: So be it. [motions to his gang] Violently grab him.

Everybody in the baby shower looks at me in shock and hero worship. Then suddenly I lock eyes on my girl.

GIRL: I love you Jaime!

I look back at her lovely face and say the first thing that pops into my head.

ME: See what happens when you force me to go places with you?

*If you'd like to learn more about the ongoing epidemic of women forcing men to go places with them, visit your local library and check out these other books.

I'D RATHER STAY HOME written by Daniel Hawthorne

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA GO THERE? written by Matthew Robinson

OK, I'll GO. JUST STOP CRYING ALREADY. written by Anonymous