ME AT A BABY SHOWER

Me and a girl walk into a baby shower.

GIRL: Oh my God! Look at all the empty baby bottles used as decoration! Isn't that adorable?

ME:[unenthusiastically] Yeah its cute.

Suddenly the baby shower couple appears to greet us.

GIRL: [unnecessarily yelling] Is that the mom-to-be I see???

MOM-TO-BE: [yells back] I'm so glad you made it girl!

GIRL: You remember Jaime, right?

MOM-TO-BE: [looks at me like she doesn't remember me] Of course I remember you!

GIRL: You look so beautiful!

ME: [looking at her abnormally large stomach] You don't even look pregnant.

MOM-TO-BE: Oh my goodness! Where are my manners? This is my boyfriend Rico.

RICO: [in mid-conversation on his bluetooth] Wassup playa.

ME: Congratulations on the baby.

MOM-TO-BE: Oh he's not the biological father. The real father died in a motorcycle accident.

ME: [awkwardly] That sucks.

MOM-TO-BE: It was unfortunate. Although we still don't know why the cops were chasing him in the first place. But I think Rico will be a great dad.

RICO: [annoyingly starts talking in a Tony Montana voice] The fellas are here! Wassup you fucking cocksuckers! Make way for the bad guy! [grabs his crotch and limps away]

ME: Yeah he seems like a good role model for children.

GIRL: Where do I put the gifts?

ME: [getting horrible Buy Buy Baby shopping flashbacks.]

MOM-TO-BE: I'll show you. Come with me.

GIRL: You gonna be OK standing here by yourself?

ME: [with pain in my eyes] I'll be fine.

2 HOURS LATER

Girl finally comes to the table I am sitting in.

GIRL: This baby shower is so much fun! I just won the "Guess the Mommy's Tummy Size game!" How are you doing?

ME: [semi-conscious] I've just been sitting here eating the food from the buffet table.

GIRL: How is it?

ME: [remembering how the food was cold and the drinks were hot] It was a one of a kind dining experience.

GIRL: Don't worry, we'll leave soon. Just a couple more hours.

Suddenly a bunch of thugs crash the party interrupting the Electric Sliders on the dancefloor.

PERSON WITH GUN: Nobody move! This is a robbery!

RICO: [back to talking in his regular voice] Oh shit. That's our rival gang.

MOM-TO-BE: Another rival gang baby shower robbery! This always happens to me!

PERSON WITH GUN: Now everyone give us your wallets, jewelry, and tickets from the coat check.

GIRL: [whispering to me] What are we going to do?

ME: [whispering back] Just stay calm. By the way, doesn't the guy next to the guy with the gun look like Esai Morales?

GIRL: Who's Esai Morales?

ME: The guy who played Lou Diamond Phillip's brother in La Bamba.

GIRL: Oh that's right! He does look like him!

PERSON WITH GUN: Ok whoever is whispering I hear you. You guys are bad whisperers. So just stop.

MOM-TO-BE: Can you people just leave us alone so we can continue my baby shower?

PERSON WITH GUN: Ok how about this? Let us take Rico and you can continue on with your baby shower.

MOM-TO-BE: But the baby needs his non-biological father here today.

RICO: Yeah the baby needs the man that fucks his mother here today.

ME: [loudly and with emphasis] Take me.

Everyone in the room quickly looks back to see the man who uttered those famous last words.

GIRL: What are hell are you doing Jaime?

ME: What I am destined to do.

As I slow motion walk up to the guy with the gun, I imagine the DJ putting on the musical score from the movie Crimson Tide to make this moment more dramatic.

PERSON WITH GUN: Who the fuck are you?

ME: I'm just a guy who hates baby showers.

PERSON WITH GUN: Ok here's the deal, if you come with us we will start by individually beating you. Then we will beat you as a group. After that we will take a lunch break and then come back and beat you with weapons. With the same order as before--individual first and then group. After that you will come with us while we run some errands.

ME: Whatever gets me out of here.

PERSON WITH GUN: So be it. [motions to his gang] Violently grab him.

Everybody in the baby shower looks at me in shock and hero worship. Then suddenly I lock eyes on my girl.

GIRL: I love you Jaime!

I look back at her lovely face and say the first thing that pops into my head.

ME: See what happens when you force me to go places with you?

*If you'd like to learn more about the ongoing epidemic of women forcing men to go places with them, visit your local library and check out these other books.

I'D RATHER STAY HOME written by Daniel Hawthorne

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA GO THERE? written by Matthew Robinson

OK, I'll GO. JUST STOP CRYING ALREADY. written by Anonymous

JFERNZ'S TRAVEL JOURNAL #1- ORLANDO

Welcome to my first ever travel journal where I will provide readers in-depth descriptions of the places I travel to. This doesn't include any mind traveling [i.e. daydreams, night terrors, ecstasy adventures, etc.] And I won't include any old-school travels of mine such as my high school trip to Niagra Falls, my 18th birthday trip to "that village with the hookers", or last year's vacation to San Francisco aka the "I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A MAN!" trip. I will just stick to the present-day places I have chosen to visit, explore and stay in cheap motels in. [Worst cheap motel I ever stayed at: The Almost Free Motel. Their slogan was, "Murders Were Committed Here."]

This brings me to my weekend trip to Orlando where the weather's always sunny with a chance of tourist. My girlfriend and I went to Orlando specifically for the Universal Studios HALLOWEEN HORROR NIGHTS. If you are scratching your head after reading that,you either don't know what it is or you have somehow contracted head lice [which everybody knows you can get through unprotected head sex.] So H.H. Nights is basically Universal Studios with a Halloween makeover not provided by Tyra Banks. There were haunted houses, scare zones, and just an all around "concentration campy" vibe. I was very excited since I am a huge fan of horror movies. The first one I ever saw was the movie "Mask" where Rocky Dennis and his massive facial skull deformity tries to have sex with a blind girl. So scary. Anyways when we get to the park we immediately have costumed people attacking us with exaggerated scare tactics such as screaming, chasing, and charging six dollars for a pizza. I was totally unfazed until I saw a woman lying down in a see through coffin with a family of rats. Now I have two phobias in my life: Rats and rat people. And until the day rat people actually exist [and yes it will happen] then my only fear is fear itself...and rats. So after I saw this disgusting rodent orgy happening on this goth chick's anorexia damaged body, I ran to the nearest 1930's New York City alleyway [We're in Universal Studios, remember?] and began to pray to the patron saint of rat killers, St. Francis of Assisi. After all that drama my lady and I waited on a line to a haunted house based on the little seen movie, "Doomsday" which is like a poor man's "Mad Max" who ironically enough was a poor man. The incredibly long line/fire hazard lasted for almost an hour. We were then treated to the authentic recreation of a movie I have never seen. After that "haunting" experience, I fixed my wedgie and said, "Fuck these neverending lines and let's make our own horror movie!" And that is just what we did. We had no idea. No script. And no logical reason to do this. But what we did have was the power of imagination. And a theme park at our disposal. I could easily give you a Pulitzer Prize winning description of the filming of this masterpiece. But I will just let you see it for yourselves. Enjoy...oh yeah, and go visit Orlando if you like waiting on long lines for shit.

MY PERFECT DATE

MY PERFECT DATE
By Jaime Fernandez
Narrated by LeVar Burton

A "C-cup" with legs picks me up at my apartment in her car. She asks me, "What do you want to do, Sexy J?" I'm all like, "I don't really know." Upon hearing this half-hearted response, she licks her lips and replies, "Your indecisiveness is turning me on." We then go to a restaurant of her choice where she makes it clear that since I was kind enough to ask her to go out on the date, then she should at least be kind enough to pay for the meal and drinks. I immediately comply with this and say with a mozzarella stick eating grin, "OK, but I get tip." Then she opens her porn star mouth and utters, "Sure, as long as I get the tip later." After a minute or so of uncomfortable silence, I put 6 and 9 together and yell out, "Oh you mean my penis tip! I just got that!" The waiter bites his fist at either my date's raw sexual energy or my slow reaction to an obvious sexual double entendre. I begin to eat my meal using just my hands which ends up being a wise decision when my date starts to use her tongue as my own personal handi-wipe. I then eventually use a real handi-wipe after what was essentially a hand blowjob. She pays the bill and asks me if I would think she was a whore if she drove us to a hotel so we could "fuck like giraffes." After an unusually long burp, I answer her with a new take on an old saying, "Mi pinga es su pinga." On the drive to the hotel she shows me a blood test dated "This Morning" that states she is "disease free" and "ready to be fucked without risk". As soon as we get into the room she rips off my clothes and causes every part of my body to get an erection [which I cleverly called a "body erection."]. After she "went to town on me", I proceed to return the sexual favor. As I traveled down into her secret garden, I am surprised to find a batch of Mrs. Fields Cookies strategically placed on the left hand corner of her thighs. I pop my head back up and attempt to ask, "But how did you...." She puts her rubbing finger on my lips and whispers, "Shhhhh.....Just enjoy your cookies and vagina." The rest of the night is a blur, probably due to the angel dust she put in the cookies....or in the vagina. She drives me home and promises to "try out some new positions" next time our privates meet. I go to sleep thinking to myself, "That was the perfect date."

CONFESSIONS OF A WOULD-BE MOUSE MURDERER

I have had a couple of phobias in my lifetime. As a little kid I was afraid of Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Especially the part in the end when he stares back at the screen with that scary look that seems to say, "It's OK for grownups to sleep with children." As a teenager, my phobia was watching Unsolved Mystery reenactments in the dark. Or maybe it was just Robert Stack's kidnapper voice that made me run into my parent's room in the middle of the night during one of their awkward "lovemaking" sessions [Another phobia of mine]. Even now I have various mini phobias, such as Meg Ryan's lips, attractive high school girls who ask me to buy them alcohol and being forced to watch a Tyler Perry movie from beginning to end. But throughout my entire existence there has been one constant fear in my life: MICE.

Anybody who lives in an apartment in New York City knows that you are also living with an extended family of roaches and mice. Now roaches I could deal with. I'd find them milk swimming in my cereal bowl and flick them off of my Cocoa Pebbles without blinking. I probably accidentally ate a few of them since they look kind of like Cocoa Pebbles with legs [But they surprisingly tasted more like Fruity Pebbles] I could simply kill a roach with easy to find objects such as slippers, magazines, or your regular household handgun [Although that would be a waste of a bullet] But the furry little demons known as mice scared the unrepentant bug assassin in me. Everytime I saw one of them race past my leg or hear them squeak death threats to me [At least that's what I imagined they were squeaking] I would run away like a common sense thinking deer in headlights. In my bitch colored eyes, a mouse was sent to earth by Satan himself to suck the life blood out of my soul. It was so serious that I eventually stole a cat from a bakery. For ten years that cat was the Kevin Costner to my Whitney Houston. There was no traces of rodent life for a long time in my apartment and I was feeling good, sleeping better, and crying less. Until that one fateful morning when I found my feline bodyguard...dead. [Cue Unsolved Mysteries music]

He was face down in his litter box. The coroner called it a drug overdose but I immediately suspected foul play. After Petey's [my cat's name] death I became depressed and moody. I would have nightmares and wake up in cold sweats meowing and screaming. Eventually my life started to become normal again thanks to constant prayer and hardcore drugs. And then one night I saw something I hadn't seen in 10 years...and it had a face only Walt Disney could love. Once I saw the four-legged beast, my heart started racing like Marion Jones on a full steroid high. My phobia was back...and so were my bladder problems. There was an unwanted visitor in my home and it was up to me to do something about it. And I planned to do something about it... as soon as I got down from the dining room table.

My first point of attack was to buy some mouse killing products. What I found was that mouse murdering technology had not come that far in the last ten years. Glue traps and mouse traps were still the most advanced execution methods for rodent predators. Honestly I think its about time someone created something we could spray on them like RAID which would cause instant death or at least a roofie we could put in their drinks. But alas I was forced to use these medieval death traps. In the next couple of weeks the nasty critter never once got caught. I even created a fake female mouse and placed it on the trap in the spread-eagle position with cheese placed in its fake mouse vagina. The mouse never tried to fuck it. A bunch of roaches gang banged the hell out of it though.

I gave up and decided to face my fear head on. I called him out. I was like, "Where you at, you little beeatch meeouse?" I was hoping my fake thug voice would be intimidating. Finally I heard a sound and looked behind me to see...

My dead cat? He was standing on two paws while his other two paws were pointing a gun in my face.

"Petey?" I nervously asked?

"Yeah it's me." he purred.

"No. You're supposed to be dead. I saw you lying in the litter box!" I responded.

Then suddenly I heard a British sounding voice coming from the floor. It was the mouse.

"Well sometimes looks can be deceiving." said the British mouse.

He began to explain the whole plan which consisted of the mouse paying my cat to fake his own death [Its always about money isn't it?] and then eventually helping each other get rid of me so the mouse and his family could take over my kitchen and the cat would get to sleep on my bed whenever he wanted. They wouldn't tell me where they learned how to speak English though.

"Why Petey why?" I effeminately asked.

"When you stole me from that bakery, you took me from my family. My mom, my brothers and sisters, and the girl with the big tits that used to make ham and cheese sandwiches." said the cat long-windedly.

"Oops." I sincerely said.

"Stop being a pussy, pussy! Now shoot this human in his human head!" the mouse commanded.

After that I don't remember what happened. I just know I woke up in a hospital with a mild head injury. A police officer told me that they found my cat dead with a bullet in his head. They ruled it a suicide. The mouse was also found...stuck in a glue trap. He then gave me a note that they found at the scene of the crime.
I opened it up and began to read it:

Dear J-Fernz,
You're Welcome.
The Roaches

TEEN HEARTTHROB WEEKLY INTERVIEWS CHARLES MANSON!!!

This is an excerpt from an old issue of Teen Heartthrob Weekly where they interviewed convicted murderer Charles Manson as part of their "Hottest Bad Boys of 1984" feature. This interview caused so much controversy with teenage parents when it came out that it led Teen Heartthrob Weekly to eventually stop publication on the magazine. I think this interview is interesting because even though the questions are "teen-oriented", I still think we get a good sense of how fucking crazy Manson is.



MAN-son OF MY DREAMS!!!
Written by Julie Phillips

When I first stepped into Corcoran State Prison to interview convicted murderer and hottie Charles Manson, I was a little nervous. Not because of the whole killing people thing, but because this guy is guilty of being a hunk in the first degree. What if I said something stupid? What if he made fun of my Wham t-shirt? [Blogger's note: Remember this was written in 1984.] What if I reminded him too much of somebody he executed? As I finally walked into the room where I would finally meet my Superman-son, I felt my knees shaking louder than an Atari game. Finally Handsome Manson was dragged in by two police guys in shackles and I couldn't believe that the poster above my bed was actually sitting across from me.

My poster

Much to my surprise Charles or "messenger of death", as he referred to himself as, was incredibly talkative and it made the interview that much more easier. Here's just a little of what C.M. told Teen Heartthrob Weekly:

Teen Heartthrob Weekly: Hey Mr. Manson! Thanks for agreeing to do this interview for our magazine.

Charles Manson: From the world of darkness I unleashed demons and devils in the power of scorpions to torment my enemies.

TWB- Wow. Scorpions totally freak me out! So what kind of girls are you into?

C.M.- I lived in the tombs and was smoking Acapulco when you were playing cricket in high school.

TWB- I'm actually in the volleyball team in my high school. So what's the wildest thing you've ever done? Aside from the whole massacre thing.

C.M.- I punched my mother out once.

TWB- I knew you were a momma's boy! What are your hobbies?

C.M.- I got fire in my eyes. It burns so much I wanna go blind. But blindness is addition by subtraction in a world full of hippies.

TWB- Ughh! I hate math. Last question....Are you single?

C.M.- I don't know pain! I don't know pain! I have no depth of pain! I have no depth of suffering!

After that final answer the officers used some zappy thing on Manson and he passed out. I think he just got caught up in the excitement of the interview. I KNOW I DID! I never did get to say goodbye to my Charlie but I have a feeling we will meet again. I'm hoping it will be in my dreams because that's where he said he'd "haunt" me! Jealous anyone???

Come back next week for our special "Hot Sports Hunks of 1984" feature where I'll interview former NFL running back and all-star cutie pie, O.J. Simpson.

EXCERPTS FROM E.T.'s AUTOBIOGRAPHY, "ALIENATED"

"Everybody assumed E.T. stood for Extra Terrestrial. When I told people my real name was Eric Thompson they laughed in my face."

"The kid got me with those Reese's Pieces. And I have to admit I became addicted to that shit. This was way before my problems with crystal meth."

"The rumor that really hurt me was that I was a pedophile. I even had people in my home planet asking me if that was true."

"Earth women loved the long finger. And yes ladies, I have a longer finger in my pants that also lights up when touched."

"I pretended not to know English. Everybody thought the retard voice was cute so I stayed with it."

"It would have been so much easier if cell phones were invented at that time! I would have phoned home immediately instead of having to go through all the bullshit I went through."

"I was seriously thinking about suing the FBI. I felt like they targeted me because I was brown. If I was a white alien we wouldn't be having this discussion."

"Every time I'm back on earth people ask me if I want to go for a bike ride. They actually think they're the first ones to make that joke. Assholes."

"I was taken out of context. The kid found me in a closet. THAT'S what I meant when I said I came out of the closet. Simple alien to human interviewer misunderstanding."

"I haven't spoken to Elliot or his family in almost 20 years. I heard he's married to some Asian chick."

"ALF set our species back like 20 years. He was the Flavor Flav of the alien race. F-cking puppet."

"Sometimes I think about moving back to Earth. Maybe once Bush is out of office."

FAILED MAGIC TRICKS

In September 2008 David Blaine hung himself upside down for a three day period in Central Park as an elaborate act of "magic" or "illusion" or "devil act." Long story short: it sucked. But David "Insane in the Mem-" Blaine is not the only magician to waste everybody's fucking time. Here are some of history's most famous failed magic tricks.

1. The Shitty Penny: In 1957, Magician Gabriel Matthews was known for his famous coin tricks. One night in his popular Las Vegas show "Citizen Koin" he premiered a brand new trick that to this day lives in infamy. He invited an audience member to come up on stage and asked him for a nickel. Gabriel told the overweight audience member that he would magically turn his nickel into a penny. The rest of the audience made what sounded like pleasurable sex noises upon hearing this. Gabriel then proceeded to make the nickel disappear...and then reappear from his asshole. Only now it was shit colored. From afar, it could have passed for a penny. But up close it was undeniably covered in human feces. The paid customers walked out in disgust and Gabriel never performed again. His autobiography "Shitty Penny For My Thoughts" magically disappeared from bookstores after one day.

2. The Magical Miscarriage- In 1972 French-born Phillippe Depardieu created a trick that was banned from the United States. It was called the "Magical Miscarriage" and caused pregnant women to suffer miscarriages immediately after Phillippe rubbed their stomach and said the words, "Ze baby come out, no?" The rumor persists that Phillippe was not a magician but just a really irresponsible doctor.

3. Walking on Water- Out of all his tricks this was definitely Jesus's weakest.

CRIMINALLY GOOD PIZZA

I love pizza. It's as simple as that. Good pizza is like good sex [they both can leave hard to remove stains from your bedsheets]. And I am lucky enough to live in the pizza capital of the United States: New York City! So I decided to take a tour of 3 of the best pizzerias in town. Enjoy this delicious journey! Hope its not too cheesy!!!

#3- Vinny's Pizza- Brooklyn,NY- Vinny Rinaldi makes his mouth watering pies from an old wood-burning brick oven that he's had since 1967. "They don't make ovens like this no more. And that's a shame because they cook a really good pizza.", Vinny told me. I took a bite of his pizza and was hooked. I then told him, "They should call this place Pizza Heroin. Because I'm addicted! Although I'm assuming you've had a lot of experience with real heroin while drug trafficking in organized crime." Vinny spit out his thin crust and yelled, "Who the fuck sent you! Are you wearing a fucking wire? ANSWER ME GODDAMMIT!!!" Grade:B+

#2- Pizza Castle- Little Italy, NYC- The owner of Pizza Castle, Dominic Aiello, believes in good service and good pizza. He says, "Everyone who works here is like a family. And that's important in any successful workplace."
"Family? Like a mafia?", I innocently asked. The normally mild mannered Dominic immediately slapped me with a half eaten calzone. As he started kicking the appetite out of me, he repeatedly began asking if I was sent there by someone as his "family" began checking me for wires. Grade:A- [for pizza; grade significantly lower for service]

#1- Grandma's Pizza- Astoria, Queens- Sylvia Rossini, aka Grandma, gets her ingredients straight from the old country. "I get a shipment every week of tomato sauces from my nephews in Italy." I thought about it for a second and then asked, "By sauces do you mean illegal contraband? And by nephews, do you mean the godfathers of the Rossini crime family?" The sweet old lady gingerly walked closer to me, put her hand inside my coat and whispered in my ear, "I better not find a fucking wire in here." Grade:A

THE DAY CHRIS FINALLY DECIDES TO TELL HIS BEST FRIEND LUCY HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER.

CHRIS: [entering LUCY's bedroom] Hey Lucy, I know you weren't expecting me to come over today but I have something important to tell you. Can you talk?

LUCY: [Crying] I'm crying.

CHRIS: What happened?

LUCY: Me and Ryan had another fight.

CHRIS: Oh. You and your boyfriend. [Immediately looks disinterested]

LUCY: You are my best friend Chris. I feel like I can tell you anything.

CHRIS: I AM your best friend. And I'm always gonna be here for you. [Attempts to touch her knee but decides to go for the safer but still awkward low-five]

LUCY: So last night Ryan and I were having an all out sex marathon.

CHRIS: Ok....

LUCY: He hit every hole in my body. I think he created some new holes with the way he was thrusting so hard. So very hard. [Mild moaning perhaps due to sex flashback]

CHRIS: [Looking very uncomfortable] Can you get to the point Lucy?

LUCY: Sorry. So after like my fifth orgasm of the night, he shoots all his manhood on my face without warning me.

CHRIS: What the fuck?

LUCY: I know, right? Not even a couple of courtesy jerks.

CHRIS: No that's not why I said what the fu--

LUCY: You know those Texas-sized drinks we like to get at BBQ's? It could fill 10 of those. Then imagine that being poured all over my face. And inside my mouth and stuff.

CHRIS: Lucy, you are being incredibly graphic right now.

LUCY: But we're best friends. I can be this descriptive and know you won't judge me.

CHRIS: I don't judge you. If you only knew how I really felt---

LUCY: Anyway, enough about Ryan and his delicious sperm. What did you want to tell me?

CHRIS: Well...we've been friends for a long time and my feelings for you have grown--

LUCY: Hold that thought Chris! I have to go take a shit... of the diarrhea variety.

CHRIS: What? Did I really need to hear that?

LUCY: Why not? You're gonna smell it in a little while. [Goes to bathroom]

CHRIS: [thinking to himself that maybe he isn't in love with Lucy after all]

LUCY: [comes back violently scratching her ass] There was no toilet paper so now I have an ass full of shit residue. Ok my bestest friend in the world, you now have my undivided attention.

CHRIS: Actually its getting late...

LUCY: I almost forgot! I have a surprise for you!

CHRIS: Really? That's so sweet. [Remembers why he fell in love with Lucy in the first place]

LUCY: I am setting you up with my friend Rosario. You know, the fat one who thought she had herpes last summer? She is now officially single and drug-free.

CHRIS: You're the best friend a guy could have Lucy. [Extremely sarcastic]

LUCY: It's a good thing we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. That would be weird. [Completely clueless]

THINGS PEOPLE HEARD ME SAY DURING MY FIRST FIGHT

"I don't want to fight you."

"Ok, is spitting in my face really necessary?"

"Where did this crowd come from?"

"Ow! Did you just hit me with brass knuckles? Who the fuck wears brass knuckles?"

"I am uncontrollably bleeding from my forehead!"

"Fuck you, these are tears of ANGER!"

"Why is everybody cheering your name?"

"AGAIN with the forehead punch?"

"Ugh, I think I just swallowed some forehead blood. Feeling dizzy."

"Yes I just scratched you. That's a legitimate fighting technique."

"I have a huge rock in my hand now....huge rock."

"I hit him with the rock on the first try!!! Why did I just yell that in a high pitched voice?"

"Holy shit! I don't think he's breathing."

"I didn't MURDER anybody! It was self defense!"

"Will somebody get a doctor and stop looking at me in stunned silence?"

"I hope nobody tries to be a hero and calls the cops. Because I will stone you to death. You know I will."

"Did I enjoy killing him? Well...I didn't unenjoy it."

"FUCK WITH ME AND DIE! DO YOU HEAR ME? FUCK WITH ME AND DIE!

"Does anybody know what time it is because I have to be somewhere at 8."

BREAKUP LETTERS

Every time I have broken up with girls in the past I have done it by writing them break-up letters. It's easier to say everything I need to say in a letter than to do it in person where I run the risk of the girl crying, yelling, or threatening to destroy my new flat screen HDTV because "it's the reason we never have sex anymore." So I thought it would be interesting to show you some of these letters and maybe give you the inspiration to break up with someone that you don't love any more.

BREAKUP LETTER #1:

DEAR STACEY:

This past year with you has been one of the most fulfilling years of my life. I have never had so much fun with a girl before. We like the same movies, listen to the same music, and love Italian food [Olive Garden anyone? LOL] Not to mention the sex is great. I mean I have never met a girl who loved to have sex in public places as much as you do. [Olive Garden anyone? LMAO] There is no reason why we shouldn't continue being a couple. But as much I love being with you, I don't think I can ever truly be comfortable with the fact that you're my half sister.

Goodbye 4ever,
J-FERNZ
P.S. Say hi to mom for me!

BREAKUP LETTER #2

DEAR MARLENE,

You are the most immature girl I have ever been with. Showing up at my job naked with a tattoo of my face on your left breast is not a "cure for the Monday blues". It wasn't even Monday. Then telling my boss I need a "lunch fuck" was even worse. And those pictures you emailed me last week were DISGUSTING! That is definitely not what I meant when I said you should try to be more of a dog person. And all those voicemail messages your older brothers left me saying they were gonna "rip off my balls", "cut off my balls", and "exorcise my demon balls through constant prayer" made me really paranoid about...my balls. So leave me the hell alone! We are through!

Goodbye 4ever,
J-FERNZ
P.S. This whole experience has really made me reconsider dating high school girls.

BREAKUP LETTER #3

DEAR MICHELLE,

Or should I say Michael? I can't believe it's true! I mean you don't even have an Adam's apple! And you had no suspicious patches of hair anywhere. And your breasts...completely suckable. But the other night when I felt that...non-vagina... against my leg I almost wanted to throw up. I can't hide the fact that from the neck up you are the most beautiful wom---human I have ever met. But I cannot continue seeing you knowing that you have a giant...non-female...thing down there. What I'm trying to say is... THE COCK IS A PROBLEM, OK???
So I guess this has to end.

GOODBYE 4EVER?
J-FERNZ
P.S. Surgery could possibly save this. Just throwing that out there.

REACTIONS TO ME SINGING "LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS" FROM THE MOVIE FOOTLOOSE AT A FAMILY KARAOKE PARTY

BROTHER: "That's the gayest thing I've ever seen."

SISTER: "Why would you even pick that song?"

MOTHER: [Crying]

FATHER: "You see what you have done to your mother with your feminine singing?"

GAY COUSIN: "I'm not that gay. Am I?" [Continues eating his banana.]

SISTER: "Seriously Jaime, why that song? I just....I just don't understand."

GIRLFRIEND: "I'm the opposite of attracted to you right now."

MOTHER: [Still crying]

FATHER: "I don't have a son any more." [Dramatically walks out of the room]

BROTHER: "Did you ever watch me when I was in the shower?"

GRANDMOTHER [Walking into the room from the kitchen.] "Whose petite sounding woman's voice did I just hear singing?"

MOTHER: [Crying and dry heaving]

SISTER: [Looking through karaoke CD's] "I mean, there were so many other songs you could have chosen."

FAMILY DOG: [Barking angrily]

AUNT: "I don't know which part was worse. The singing or the dancing."

UNCLE: "It definitely was the part when he sang the line, "Let's hear it for my man." It's like...it's like he really believed it."

DENISE WILLIAMS [The original singer of "Let's Hear It For the Boys" and family friend.]: "That was never meant for a gay man to sing."