JFERNZ'S TRAVEL JOURNAL #1- ORLANDO

Welcome to my first ever travel journal where I will provide readers in-depth descriptions of the places I travel to. This doesn't include any mind traveling [i.e. daydreams, night terrors, ecstasy adventures, etc.] And I won't include any old-school travels of mine such as my high school trip to Niagra Falls, my 18th birthday trip to "that village with the hookers", or last year's vacation to San Francisco aka the "I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A MAN!" trip. I will just stick to the present-day places I have chosen to visit, explore and stay in cheap motels in. [Worst cheap motel I ever stayed at: The Almost Free Motel. Their slogan was, "Murders Were Committed Here."]

This brings me to my weekend trip to Orlando where the weather's always sunny with a chance of tourist. My girlfriend and I went to Orlando specifically for the Universal Studios HALLOWEEN HORROR NIGHTS. If you are scratching your head after reading that,you either don't know what it is or you have somehow contracted head lice [which everybody knows you can get through unprotected head sex.] So H.H. Nights is basically Universal Studios with a Halloween makeover not provided by Tyra Banks. There were haunted houses, scare zones, and just an all around "concentration campy" vibe. I was very excited since I am a huge fan of horror movies. The first one I ever saw was the movie "Mask" where Rocky Dennis and his massive facial skull deformity tries to have sex with a blind girl. So scary. Anyways when we get to the park we immediately have costumed people attacking us with exaggerated scare tactics such as screaming, chasing, and charging six dollars for a pizza. I was totally unfazed until I saw a woman lying down in a see through coffin with a family of rats. Now I have two phobias in my life: Rats and rat people. And until the day rat people actually exist [and yes it will happen] then my only fear is fear itself...and rats. So after I saw this disgusting rodent orgy happening on this goth chick's anorexia damaged body, I ran to the nearest 1930's New York City alleyway [We're in Universal Studios, remember?] and began to pray to the patron saint of rat killers, St. Francis of Assisi. After all that drama my lady and I waited on a line to a haunted house based on the little seen movie, "Doomsday" which is like a poor man's "Mad Max" who ironically enough was a poor man. The incredibly long line/fire hazard lasted for almost an hour. We were then treated to the authentic recreation of a movie I have never seen. After that "haunting" experience, I fixed my wedgie and said, "Fuck these neverending lines and let's make our own horror movie!" And that is just what we did. We had no idea. No script. And no logical reason to do this. But what we did have was the power of imagination. And a theme park at our disposal. I could easily give you a Pulitzer Prize winning description of the filming of this masterpiece. But I will just let you see it for yourselves. Enjoy...oh yeah, and go visit Orlando if you like waiting on long lines for shit.

MY PERFECT DATE

MY PERFECT DATE
By Jaime Fernandez
Narrated by LeVar Burton

A "C-cup" with legs picks me up at my apartment in her car. She asks me, "What do you want to do, Sexy J?" I'm all like, "I don't really know." Upon hearing this half-hearted response, she licks her lips and replies, "Your indecisiveness is turning me on." We then go to a restaurant of her choice where she makes it clear that since I was kind enough to ask her to go out on the date, then she should at least be kind enough to pay for the meal and drinks. I immediately comply with this and say with a mozzarella stick eating grin, "OK, but I get tip." Then she opens her porn star mouth and utters, "Sure, as long as I get the tip later." After a minute or so of uncomfortable silence, I put 6 and 9 together and yell out, "Oh you mean my penis tip! I just got that!" The waiter bites his fist at either my date's raw sexual energy or my slow reaction to an obvious sexual double entendre. I begin to eat my meal using just my hands which ends up being a wise decision when my date starts to use her tongue as my own personal handi-wipe. I then eventually use a real handi-wipe after what was essentially a hand blowjob. She pays the bill and asks me if I would think she was a whore if she drove us to a hotel so we could "fuck like giraffes." After an unusually long burp, I answer her with a new take on an old saying, "Mi pinga es su pinga." On the drive to the hotel she shows me a blood test dated "This Morning" that states she is "disease free" and "ready to be fucked without risk". As soon as we get into the room she rips off my clothes and causes every part of my body to get an erection [which I cleverly called a "body erection."]. After she "went to town on me", I proceed to return the sexual favor. As I traveled down into her secret garden, I am surprised to find a batch of Mrs. Fields Cookies strategically placed on the left hand corner of her thighs. I pop my head back up and attempt to ask, "But how did you...." She puts her rubbing finger on my lips and whispers, "Shhhhh.....Just enjoy your cookies and vagina." The rest of the night is a blur, probably due to the angel dust she put in the cookies....or in the vagina. She drives me home and promises to "try out some new positions" next time our privates meet. I go to sleep thinking to myself, "That was the perfect date."

CONFESSIONS OF A WOULD-BE MOUSE MURDERER

I have had a couple of phobias in my lifetime. As a little kid I was afraid of Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Especially the part in the end when he stares back at the screen with that scary look that seems to say, "It's OK for grownups to sleep with children." As a teenager, my phobia was watching Unsolved Mystery reenactments in the dark. Or maybe it was just Robert Stack's kidnapper voice that made me run into my parent's room in the middle of the night during one of their awkward "lovemaking" sessions [Another phobia of mine]. Even now I have various mini phobias, such as Meg Ryan's lips, attractive high school girls who ask me to buy them alcohol and being forced to watch a Tyler Perry movie from beginning to end. But throughout my entire existence there has been one constant fear in my life: MICE.

Anybody who lives in an apartment in New York City knows that you are also living with an extended family of roaches and mice. Now roaches I could deal with. I'd find them milk swimming in my cereal bowl and flick them off of my Cocoa Pebbles without blinking. I probably accidentally ate a few of them since they look kind of like Cocoa Pebbles with legs [But they surprisingly tasted more like Fruity Pebbles] I could simply kill a roach with easy to find objects such as slippers, magazines, or your regular household handgun [Although that would be a waste of a bullet] But the furry little demons known as mice scared the unrepentant bug assassin in me. Everytime I saw one of them race past my leg or hear them squeak death threats to me [At least that's what I imagined they were squeaking] I would run away like a common sense thinking deer in headlights. In my bitch colored eyes, a mouse was sent to earth by Satan himself to suck the life blood out of my soul. It was so serious that I eventually stole a cat from a bakery. For ten years that cat was the Kevin Costner to my Whitney Houston. There was no traces of rodent life for a long time in my apartment and I was feeling good, sleeping better, and crying less. Until that one fateful morning when I found my feline bodyguard...dead. [Cue Unsolved Mysteries music]

He was face down in his litter box. The coroner called it a drug overdose but I immediately suspected foul play. After Petey's [my cat's name] death I became depressed and moody. I would have nightmares and wake up in cold sweats meowing and screaming. Eventually my life started to become normal again thanks to constant prayer and hardcore drugs. And then one night I saw something I hadn't seen in 10 years...and it had a face only Walt Disney could love. Once I saw the four-legged beast, my heart started racing like Marion Jones on a full steroid high. My phobia was back...and so were my bladder problems. There was an unwanted visitor in my home and it was up to me to do something about it. And I planned to do something about it... as soon as I got down from the dining room table.

My first point of attack was to buy some mouse killing products. What I found was that mouse murdering technology had not come that far in the last ten years. Glue traps and mouse traps were still the most advanced execution methods for rodent predators. Honestly I think its about time someone created something we could spray on them like RAID which would cause instant death or at least a roofie we could put in their drinks. But alas I was forced to use these medieval death traps. In the next couple of weeks the nasty critter never once got caught. I even created a fake female mouse and placed it on the trap in the spread-eagle position with cheese placed in its fake mouse vagina. The mouse never tried to fuck it. A bunch of roaches gang banged the hell out of it though.

I gave up and decided to face my fear head on. I called him out. I was like, "Where you at, you little beeatch meeouse?" I was hoping my fake thug voice would be intimidating. Finally I heard a sound and looked behind me to see...

My dead cat? He was standing on two paws while his other two paws were pointing a gun in my face.

"Petey?" I nervously asked?

"Yeah it's me." he purred.

"No. You're supposed to be dead. I saw you lying in the litter box!" I responded.

Then suddenly I heard a British sounding voice coming from the floor. It was the mouse.

"Well sometimes looks can be deceiving." said the British mouse.

He began to explain the whole plan which consisted of the mouse paying my cat to fake his own death [Its always about money isn't it?] and then eventually helping each other get rid of me so the mouse and his family could take over my kitchen and the cat would get to sleep on my bed whenever he wanted. They wouldn't tell me where they learned how to speak English though.

"Why Petey why?" I effeminately asked.

"When you stole me from that bakery, you took me from my family. My mom, my brothers and sisters, and the girl with the big tits that used to make ham and cheese sandwiches." said the cat long-windedly.

"Oops." I sincerely said.

"Stop being a pussy, pussy! Now shoot this human in his human head!" the mouse commanded.

After that I don't remember what happened. I just know I woke up in a hospital with a mild head injury. A police officer told me that they found my cat dead with a bullet in his head. They ruled it a suicide. The mouse was also found...stuck in a glue trap. He then gave me a note that they found at the scene of the crime.
I opened it up and began to read it:

Dear J-Fernz,
You're Welcome.
The Roaches

TEEN HEARTTHROB WEEKLY INTERVIEWS CHARLES MANSON!!!

This is an excerpt from an old issue of Teen Heartthrob Weekly where they interviewed convicted murderer Charles Manson as part of their "Hottest Bad Boys of 1984" feature. This interview caused so much controversy with teenage parents when it came out that it led Teen Heartthrob Weekly to eventually stop publication on the magazine. I think this interview is interesting because even though the questions are "teen-oriented", I still think we get a good sense of how fucking crazy Manson is.



MAN-son OF MY DREAMS!!!
Written by Julie Phillips

When I first stepped into Corcoran State Prison to interview convicted murderer and hottie Charles Manson, I was a little nervous. Not because of the whole killing people thing, but because this guy is guilty of being a hunk in the first degree. What if I said something stupid? What if he made fun of my Wham t-shirt? [Blogger's note: Remember this was written in 1984.] What if I reminded him too much of somebody he executed? As I finally walked into the room where I would finally meet my Superman-son, I felt my knees shaking louder than an Atari game. Finally Handsome Manson was dragged in by two police guys in shackles and I couldn't believe that the poster above my bed was actually sitting across from me.

My poster

Much to my surprise Charles or "messenger of death", as he referred to himself as, was incredibly talkative and it made the interview that much more easier. Here's just a little of what C.M. told Teen Heartthrob Weekly:

Teen Heartthrob Weekly: Hey Mr. Manson! Thanks for agreeing to do this interview for our magazine.

Charles Manson: From the world of darkness I unleashed demons and devils in the power of scorpions to torment my enemies.

TWB- Wow. Scorpions totally freak me out! So what kind of girls are you into?

C.M.- I lived in the tombs and was smoking Acapulco when you were playing cricket in high school.

TWB- I'm actually in the volleyball team in my high school. So what's the wildest thing you've ever done? Aside from the whole massacre thing.

C.M.- I punched my mother out once.

TWB- I knew you were a momma's boy! What are your hobbies?

C.M.- I got fire in my eyes. It burns so much I wanna go blind. But blindness is addition by subtraction in a world full of hippies.

TWB- Ughh! I hate math. Last question....Are you single?

C.M.- I don't know pain! I don't know pain! I have no depth of pain! I have no depth of suffering!

After that final answer the officers used some zappy thing on Manson and he passed out. I think he just got caught up in the excitement of the interview. I KNOW I DID! I never did get to say goodbye to my Charlie but I have a feeling we will meet again. I'm hoping it will be in my dreams because that's where he said he'd "haunt" me! Jealous anyone???

Come back next week for our special "Hot Sports Hunks of 1984" feature where I'll interview former NFL running back and all-star cutie pie, O.J. Simpson.

EXCERPTS FROM E.T.'s AUTOBIOGRAPHY, "ALIENATED"

"Everybody assumed E.T. stood for Extra Terrestrial. When I told people my real name was Eric Thompson they laughed in my face."

"The kid got me with those Reese's Pieces. And I have to admit I became addicted to that shit. This was way before my problems with crystal meth."

"The rumor that really hurt me was that I was a pedophile. I even had people in my home planet asking me if that was true."

"Earth women loved the long finger. And yes ladies, I have a longer finger in my pants that also lights up when touched."

"I pretended not to know English. Everybody thought the retard voice was cute so I stayed with it."

"It would have been so much easier if cell phones were invented at that time! I would have phoned home immediately instead of having to go through all the bullshit I went through."

"I was seriously thinking about suing the FBI. I felt like they targeted me because I was brown. If I was a white alien we wouldn't be having this discussion."

"Every time I'm back on earth people ask me if I want to go for a bike ride. They actually think they're the first ones to make that joke. Assholes."

"I was taken out of context. The kid found me in a closet. THAT'S what I meant when I said I came out of the closet. Simple alien to human interviewer misunderstanding."

"I haven't spoken to Elliot or his family in almost 20 years. I heard he's married to some Asian chick."

"ALF set our species back like 20 years. He was the Flavor Flav of the alien race. F-cking puppet."

"Sometimes I think about moving back to Earth. Maybe once Bush is out of office."