"Everybody assumed E.T. stood for Extra Terrestrial. When I told people my real name was Eric Thompson they laughed in my face."
"The kid got me with those Reese's Pieces. And I have to admit I became addicted to that shit. This was way before my problems with crystal meth."
"The rumor that really hurt me was that I was a pedophile. I even had people in my home planet asking me if that was true."
"Earth women loved the long finger. And yes ladies, I have a longer finger in my pants that also lights up when touched."
"I pretended not to know English. Everybody thought the retard voice was cute so I stayed with it."
"It would have been so much easier if cell phones were invented at that time! I would have phoned home immediately instead of having to go through all the bullshit I went through."
"I was seriously thinking about suing the FBI. I felt like they targeted me because I was brown. If I was a white alien we wouldn't be having this discussion."
"Every time I'm back on earth people ask me if I want to go for a bike ride. They actually think they're the first ones to make that joke. Assholes."
"I was taken out of context. The kid found me in a closet. THAT'S what I meant when I said I came out of the closet. Simple alien to human interviewer misunderstanding."
"I haven't spoken to Elliot or his family in almost 20 years. I heard he's married to some Asian chick."
"ALF set our species back like 20 years. He was the Flavor Flav of the alien race. F-cking puppet."
"Sometimes I think about moving back to Earth. Maybe once Bush is out of office."
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