FAILED MAGIC TRICKS

In September 2008 David Blaine hung himself upside down for a three day period in Central Park as an elaborate act of "magic" or "illusion" or "devil act." Long story short: it sucked. But David "Insane in the Mem-" Blaine is not the only magician to waste everybody's fucking time. Here are some of history's most famous failed magic tricks.

1. The Shitty Penny: In 1957, Magician Gabriel Matthews was known for his famous coin tricks. One night in his popular Las Vegas show "Citizen Koin" he premiered a brand new trick that to this day lives in infamy. He invited an audience member to come up on stage and asked him for a nickel. Gabriel told the overweight audience member that he would magically turn his nickel into a penny. The rest of the audience made what sounded like pleasurable sex noises upon hearing this. Gabriel then proceeded to make the nickel disappear...and then reappear from his asshole. Only now it was shit colored. From afar, it could have passed for a penny. But up close it was undeniably covered in human feces. The paid customers walked out in disgust and Gabriel never performed again. His autobiography "Shitty Penny For My Thoughts" magically disappeared from bookstores after one day.

2. The Magical Miscarriage- In 1972 French-born Phillippe Depardieu created a trick that was banned from the United States. It was called the "Magical Miscarriage" and caused pregnant women to suffer miscarriages immediately after Phillippe rubbed their stomach and said the words, "Ze baby come out, no?" The rumor persists that Phillippe was not a magician but just a really irresponsible doctor.

3. Walking on Water- Out of all his tricks this was definitely Jesus's weakest.

CRIMINALLY GOOD PIZZA

I love pizza. It's as simple as that. Good pizza is like good sex [they both can leave hard to remove stains from your bedsheets]. And I am lucky enough to live in the pizza capital of the United States: New York City! So I decided to take a tour of 3 of the best pizzerias in town. Enjoy this delicious journey! Hope its not too cheesy!!!

#3- Vinny's Pizza- Brooklyn,NY- Vinny Rinaldi makes his mouth watering pies from an old wood-burning brick oven that he's had since 1967. "They don't make ovens like this no more. And that's a shame because they cook a really good pizza.", Vinny told me. I took a bite of his pizza and was hooked. I then told him, "They should call this place Pizza Heroin. Because I'm addicted! Although I'm assuming you've had a lot of experience with real heroin while drug trafficking in organized crime." Vinny spit out his thin crust and yelled, "Who the fuck sent you! Are you wearing a fucking wire? ANSWER ME GODDAMMIT!!!" Grade:B+

#2- Pizza Castle- Little Italy, NYC- The owner of Pizza Castle, Dominic Aiello, believes in good service and good pizza. He says, "Everyone who works here is like a family. And that's important in any successful workplace."
"Family? Like a mafia?", I innocently asked. The normally mild mannered Dominic immediately slapped me with a half eaten calzone. As he started kicking the appetite out of me, he repeatedly began asking if I was sent there by someone as his "family" began checking me for wires. Grade:A- [for pizza; grade significantly lower for service]

#1- Grandma's Pizza- Astoria, Queens- Sylvia Rossini, aka Grandma, gets her ingredients straight from the old country. "I get a shipment every week of tomato sauces from my nephews in Italy." I thought about it for a second and then asked, "By sauces do you mean illegal contraband? And by nephews, do you mean the godfathers of the Rossini crime family?" The sweet old lady gingerly walked closer to me, put her hand inside my coat and whispered in my ear, "I better not find a fucking wire in here." Grade:A

THE DAY CHRIS FINALLY DECIDES TO TELL HIS BEST FRIEND LUCY HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER.

CHRIS: [entering LUCY's bedroom] Hey Lucy, I know you weren't expecting me to come over today but I have something important to tell you. Can you talk?

LUCY: [Crying] I'm crying.

CHRIS: What happened?

LUCY: Me and Ryan had another fight.

CHRIS: Oh. You and your boyfriend. [Immediately looks disinterested]

LUCY: You are my best friend Chris. I feel like I can tell you anything.

CHRIS: I AM your best friend. And I'm always gonna be here for you. [Attempts to touch her knee but decides to go for the safer but still awkward low-five]

LUCY: So last night Ryan and I were having an all out sex marathon.

CHRIS: Ok....

LUCY: He hit every hole in my body. I think he created some new holes with the way he was thrusting so hard. So very hard. [Mild moaning perhaps due to sex flashback]

CHRIS: [Looking very uncomfortable] Can you get to the point Lucy?

LUCY: Sorry. So after like my fifth orgasm of the night, he shoots all his manhood on my face without warning me.

CHRIS: What the fuck?

LUCY: I know, right? Not even a couple of courtesy jerks.

CHRIS: No that's not why I said what the fu--

LUCY: You know those Texas-sized drinks we like to get at BBQ's? It could fill 10 of those. Then imagine that being poured all over my face. And inside my mouth and stuff.

CHRIS: Lucy, you are being incredibly graphic right now.

LUCY: But we're best friends. I can be this descriptive and know you won't judge me.

CHRIS: I don't judge you. If you only knew how I really felt---

LUCY: Anyway, enough about Ryan and his delicious sperm. What did you want to tell me?

CHRIS: Well...we've been friends for a long time and my feelings for you have grown--

LUCY: Hold that thought Chris! I have to go take a shit... of the diarrhea variety.

CHRIS: What? Did I really need to hear that?

LUCY: Why not? You're gonna smell it in a little while. [Goes to bathroom]

CHRIS: [thinking to himself that maybe he isn't in love with Lucy after all]

LUCY: [comes back violently scratching her ass] There was no toilet paper so now I have an ass full of shit residue. Ok my bestest friend in the world, you now have my undivided attention.

CHRIS: Actually its getting late...

LUCY: I almost forgot! I have a surprise for you!

CHRIS: Really? That's so sweet. [Remembers why he fell in love with Lucy in the first place]

LUCY: I am setting you up with my friend Rosario. You know, the fat one who thought she had herpes last summer? She is now officially single and drug-free.

CHRIS: You're the best friend a guy could have Lucy. [Extremely sarcastic]

LUCY: It's a good thing we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. That would be weird. [Completely clueless]

THINGS PEOPLE HEARD ME SAY DURING MY FIRST FIGHT

"I don't want to fight you."

"Ok, is spitting in my face really necessary?"

"Where did this crowd come from?"

"Ow! Did you just hit me with brass knuckles? Who the fuck wears brass knuckles?"

"I am uncontrollably bleeding from my forehead!"

"Fuck you, these are tears of ANGER!"

"Why is everybody cheering your name?"

"AGAIN with the forehead punch?"

"Ugh, I think I just swallowed some forehead blood. Feeling dizzy."

"Yes I just scratched you. That's a legitimate fighting technique."

"I have a huge rock in my hand now....huge rock."

"I hit him with the rock on the first try!!! Why did I just yell that in a high pitched voice?"

"Holy shit! I don't think he's breathing."

"I didn't MURDER anybody! It was self defense!"

"Will somebody get a doctor and stop looking at me in stunned silence?"

"I hope nobody tries to be a hero and calls the cops. Because I will stone you to death. You know I will."

"Did I enjoy killing him? Well...I didn't unenjoy it."

"FUCK WITH ME AND DIE! DO YOU HEAR ME? FUCK WITH ME AND DIE!

"Does anybody know what time it is because I have to be somewhere at 8."

BREAKUP LETTERS

Every time I have broken up with girls in the past I have done it by writing them break-up letters. It's easier to say everything I need to say in a letter than to do it in person where I run the risk of the girl crying, yelling, or threatening to destroy my new flat screen HDTV because "it's the reason we never have sex anymore." So I thought it would be interesting to show you some of these letters and maybe give you the inspiration to break up with someone that you don't love any more.

BREAKUP LETTER #1:

DEAR STACEY:

This past year with you has been one of the most fulfilling years of my life. I have never had so much fun with a girl before. We like the same movies, listen to the same music, and love Italian food [Olive Garden anyone? LOL] Not to mention the sex is great. I mean I have never met a girl who loved to have sex in public places as much as you do. [Olive Garden anyone? LMAO] There is no reason why we shouldn't continue being a couple. But as much I love being with you, I don't think I can ever truly be comfortable with the fact that you're my half sister.

Goodbye 4ever,
J-FERNZ
P.S. Say hi to mom for me!

BREAKUP LETTER #2

DEAR MARLENE,

You are the most immature girl I have ever been with. Showing up at my job naked with a tattoo of my face on your left breast is not a "cure for the Monday blues". It wasn't even Monday. Then telling my boss I need a "lunch fuck" was even worse. And those pictures you emailed me last week were DISGUSTING! That is definitely not what I meant when I said you should try to be more of a dog person. And all those voicemail messages your older brothers left me saying they were gonna "rip off my balls", "cut off my balls", and "exorcise my demon balls through constant prayer" made me really paranoid about...my balls. So leave me the hell alone! We are through!

Goodbye 4ever,
J-FERNZ
P.S. This whole experience has really made me reconsider dating high school girls.

BREAKUP LETTER #3

DEAR MICHELLE,

Or should I say Michael? I can't believe it's true! I mean you don't even have an Adam's apple! And you had no suspicious patches of hair anywhere. And your breasts...completely suckable. But the other night when I felt that...non-vagina... against my leg I almost wanted to throw up. I can't hide the fact that from the neck up you are the most beautiful wom---human I have ever met. But I cannot continue seeing you knowing that you have a giant...non-female...thing down there. What I'm trying to say is... THE COCK IS A PROBLEM, OK???
So I guess this has to end.

GOODBYE 4EVER?
J-FERNZ
P.S. Surgery could possibly save this. Just throwing that out there.

REACTIONS TO ME SINGING "LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS" FROM THE MOVIE FOOTLOOSE AT A FAMILY KARAOKE PARTY

BROTHER: "That's the gayest thing I've ever seen."

SISTER: "Why would you even pick that song?"

MOTHER: [Crying]

FATHER: "You see what you have done to your mother with your feminine singing?"

GAY COUSIN: "I'm not that gay. Am I?" [Continues eating his banana.]

SISTER: "Seriously Jaime, why that song? I just....I just don't understand."

GIRLFRIEND: "I'm the opposite of attracted to you right now."

MOTHER: [Still crying]

FATHER: "I don't have a son any more." [Dramatically walks out of the room]

BROTHER: "Did you ever watch me when I was in the shower?"

GRANDMOTHER [Walking into the room from the kitchen.] "Whose petite sounding woman's voice did I just hear singing?"

MOTHER: [Crying and dry heaving]

SISTER: [Looking through karaoke CD's] "I mean, there were so many other songs you could have chosen."

FAMILY DOG: [Barking angrily]

AUNT: "I don't know which part was worse. The singing or the dancing."

UNCLE: "It definitely was the part when he sang the line, "Let's hear it for my man." It's like...it's like he really believed it."

DENISE WILLIAMS [The original singer of "Let's Hear It For the Boys" and family friend.]: "That was never meant for a gay man to sing."