BREAKUP LETTERS

Every time I have broken up with girls in the past I have done it by writing them break-up letters. It's easier to say everything I need to say in a letter than to do it in person where I run the risk of the girl crying, yelling, or threatening to destroy my new flat screen HDTV because "it's the reason we never have sex anymore." So I thought it would be interesting to show you some of these letters and maybe give you the inspiration to break up with someone that you don't love any more.

BREAKUP LETTER #1:

DEAR STACEY:

This past year with you has been one of the most fulfilling years of my life. I have never had so much fun with a girl before. We like the same movies, listen to the same music, and love Italian food [Olive Garden anyone? LOL] Not to mention the sex is great. I mean I have never met a girl who loved to have sex in public places as much as you do. [Olive Garden anyone? LMAO] There is no reason why we shouldn't continue being a couple. But as much I love being with you, I don't think I can ever truly be comfortable with the fact that you're my half sister.

Goodbye 4ever,
J-FERNZ
P.S. Say hi to mom for me!

BREAKUP LETTER #2

DEAR MARLENE,

You are the most immature girl I have ever been with. Showing up at my job naked with a tattoo of my face on your left breast is not a "cure for the Monday blues". It wasn't even Monday. Then telling my boss I need a "lunch fuck" was even worse. And those pictures you emailed me last week were DISGUSTING! That is definitely not what I meant when I said you should try to be more of a dog person. And all those voicemail messages your older brothers left me saying they were gonna "rip off my balls", "cut off my balls", and "exorcise my demon balls through constant prayer" made me really paranoid about...my balls. So leave me the hell alone! We are through!

Goodbye 4ever,
J-FERNZ
P.S. This whole experience has really made me reconsider dating high school girls.

BREAKUP LETTER #3

DEAR MICHELLE,

Or should I say Michael? I can't believe it's true! I mean you don't even have an Adam's apple! And you had no suspicious patches of hair anywhere. And your breasts...completely suckable. But the other night when I felt that...non-vagina... against my leg I almost wanted to throw up. I can't hide the fact that from the neck up you are the most beautiful wom---human I have ever met. But I cannot continue seeing you knowing that you have a giant...non-female...thing down there. What I'm trying to say is... THE COCK IS A PROBLEM, OK???
So I guess this has to end.

GOODBYE 4EVER?
J-FERNZ
P.S. Surgery could possibly save this. Just throwing that out there.