THE DAY CHRIS FINALLY DECIDES TO TELL HIS BEST FRIEND LUCY HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER.

CHRIS: [entering LUCY's bedroom] Hey Lucy, I know you weren't expecting me to come over today but I have something important to tell you. Can you talk?

LUCY: [Crying] I'm crying.

CHRIS: What happened?

LUCY: Me and Ryan had another fight.

CHRIS: Oh. You and your boyfriend. [Immediately looks disinterested]

LUCY: You are my best friend Chris. I feel like I can tell you anything.

CHRIS: I AM your best friend. And I'm always gonna be here for you. [Attempts to touch her knee but decides to go for the safer but still awkward low-five]

LUCY: So last night Ryan and I were having an all out sex marathon.

CHRIS: Ok....

LUCY: He hit every hole in my body. I think he created some new holes with the way he was thrusting so hard. So very hard. [Mild moaning perhaps due to sex flashback]

CHRIS: [Looking very uncomfortable] Can you get to the point Lucy?

LUCY: Sorry. So after like my fifth orgasm of the night, he shoots all his manhood on my face without warning me.

CHRIS: What the fuck?

LUCY: I know, right? Not even a couple of courtesy jerks.

CHRIS: No that's not why I said what the fu--

LUCY: You know those Texas-sized drinks we like to get at BBQ's? It could fill 10 of those. Then imagine that being poured all over my face. And inside my mouth and stuff.

CHRIS: Lucy, you are being incredibly graphic right now.

LUCY: But we're best friends. I can be this descriptive and know you won't judge me.

CHRIS: I don't judge you. If you only knew how I really felt---

LUCY: Anyway, enough about Ryan and his delicious sperm. What did you want to tell me?

CHRIS: Well...we've been friends for a long time and my feelings for you have grown--

LUCY: Hold that thought Chris! I have to go take a shit... of the diarrhea variety.

CHRIS: What? Did I really need to hear that?

LUCY: Why not? You're gonna smell it in a little while. [Goes to bathroom]

CHRIS: [thinking to himself that maybe he isn't in love with Lucy after all]

LUCY: [comes back violently scratching her ass] There was no toilet paper so now I have an ass full of shit residue. Ok my bestest friend in the world, you now have my undivided attention.

CHRIS: Actually its getting late...

LUCY: I almost forgot! I have a surprise for you!

CHRIS: Really? That's so sweet. [Remembers why he fell in love with Lucy in the first place]

LUCY: I am setting you up with my friend Rosario. You know, the fat one who thought she had herpes last summer? She is now officially single and drug-free.

CHRIS: You're the best friend a guy could have Lucy. [Extremely sarcastic]

LUCY: It's a good thing we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. That would be weird. [Completely clueless]