JFERNZ'S TRAVEL JOURNAL #1- ORLANDO

Welcome to my first ever travel journal where I will provide readers in-depth descriptions of the places I travel to. This doesn't include any mind traveling [i.e. daydreams, night terrors, ecstasy adventures, etc.] And I won't include any old-school travels of mine such as my high school trip to Niagra Falls, my 18th birthday trip to "that village with the hookers", or last year's vacation to San Francisco aka the "I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A MAN!" trip. I will just stick to the present-day places I have chosen to visit, explore and stay in cheap motels in. [Worst cheap motel I ever stayed at: The Almost Free Motel. Their slogan was, "Murders Were Committed Here."]

This brings me to my weekend trip to Orlando where the weather's always sunny with a chance of tourist. My girlfriend and I went to Orlando specifically for the Universal Studios HALLOWEEN HORROR NIGHTS. If you are scratching your head after reading that,you either don't know what it is or you have somehow contracted head lice [which everybody knows you can get through unprotected head sex.] So H.H. Nights is basically Universal Studios with a Halloween makeover not provided by Tyra Banks. There were haunted houses, scare zones, and just an all around "concentration campy" vibe. I was very excited since I am a huge fan of horror movies. The first one I ever saw was the movie "Mask" where Rocky Dennis and his massive facial skull deformity tries to have sex with a blind girl. So scary. Anyways when we get to the park we immediately have costumed people attacking us with exaggerated scare tactics such as screaming, chasing, and charging six dollars for a pizza. I was totally unfazed until I saw a woman lying down in a see through coffin with a family of rats. Now I have two phobias in my life: Rats and rat people. And until the day rat people actually exist [and yes it will happen] then my only fear is fear itself...and rats. So after I saw this disgusting rodent orgy happening on this goth chick's anorexia damaged body, I ran to the nearest 1930's New York City alleyway [We're in Universal Studios, remember?] and began to pray to the patron saint of rat killers, St. Francis of Assisi. After all that drama my lady and I waited on a line to a haunted house based on the little seen movie, "Doomsday" which is like a poor man's "Mad Max" who ironically enough was a poor man. The incredibly long line/fire hazard lasted for almost an hour. We were then treated to the authentic recreation of a movie I have never seen. After that "haunting" experience, I fixed my wedgie and said, "Fuck these neverending lines and let's make our own horror movie!" And that is just what we did. We had no idea. No script. And no logical reason to do this. But what we did have was the power of imagination. And a theme park at our disposal. I could easily give you a Pulitzer Prize winning description of the filming of this masterpiece. But I will just let you see it for yourselves. Enjoy...oh yeah, and go visit Orlando if you like waiting on long lines for shit.